Defiant.

As I continue to ride the proverbial roller coaster of emotions through this season of adjustment and re-adjustment, I came to a conclusion this week.

I’m doing everything right.  And it’s still hard.

And I find that fact incredibly frustrating; the logical, rational part of me gets angry, because A+B should equal C and actually it doesn't.  If I’m doing everything right, I should be happy, making friends, fulfilling my purpose and destiny of life to the full no matter where that life takes me.

When I say I’m doing everything right, what I mean is this: I’m not sitting at home, even though that would be by far my first choice of an evening activity most days; I’m getting out, meeting people, showing up to large groups of strangers and asking God to give me the courage to let myself be seen; I’m pushing myself physically, I’m eating really well, I’m saying yes to things that come my way even if I’m nearly crying or shaking my head no while I’m squeaking out the yes through gritted teeth with all the determination and courage I can muster.  I own my own life, and I’m all in; I can’t be sad about being lonely if I stay home every night. I can’t find my tribe if I’m not out there getting met. It’s a balancing act between self-care and being compassionate to my introvert heart; but really, we’re often much more capable than we give ourselves credit for, and the majority of things in life worth doing aren’t easy. 

So I’m doing these things, A + B, and my logical brain says since I’m doing everything right in this season I should be really happy, excited, fulfilled, brimming with life to the full, with friendships, with the depth of connection we all long for.

And in reality, it is many of those things. But there’s also moments of ugly crying and frantic calls to friends a million miles away to try to talk some sense in to my less-than-logical-and-rational emotional chaos that somehow defies all the restrictions I put around it and roars out like a lion in the most uncomfortable ways.

Like this week I had my first appointment with my newly-selected primary care physician.  And promptly had a meltdown in her office. I mean, it is partially rational, it should be an uncomfortable thing to share your most intimate self with a stranger; but beyond that it felt like I was just going to be told all the ways I am failing at life compounded upon my heart crying out I miss my friends and struggling to find my fulfilment at work or in achievements or in people while being reminded that none of those things make me who I am, but I want them, and it’s all just really confusing and murky and just downright hard.

But life isn’t fair or logical or rational or straightforward; millions of people across the planet are doing all the right things they can and yet face horrific difficulties.  When I think about that I feel guilty for whining about my little story; but then I remember that my little story still matters to the One who has written it.  Sometimes A + B just doesn’t automatically equal fulfillment and joy and happiness. It just doesn’t. It does equal life; and once again I find myself saying I’m glad I can feel because it means I am alive, and just being okay with the discomfort and not letting it define me or not letting myself agree with the darkness that whispers what a failure, I’m living the defiant life I’ve been called to and created for.

So happy Monday, friends; keep doing the right thing; putting one foot in front of the other and living in defiance of the darkness.  Be brave. Be seen. Be you. All in.

Until next time…. 

Sunrise over Boston and the Charles River this morning