The valley.

I’ve felt guilty a few times in the last couple of months; people I know struggling in life post-ship and here I was cruising along, happier than I’ve been in recent memory, excited and expectant and ready to take on the world.

We all love the mountaintops, eh? But at some point what goes up comes back down…

Well, I suppose it’s kind of like the disappointment you feel after all the gifts have been opened on Christmas Day; sad that this thing you’ve looked forward to for so long is over... that melange of gratitude and joy mixed with sadness and a little bit of despair (if we're honest). 

And this week the Africa Mercy, my home that isn’t my home anymore, sailed in to Cameroon.  And the tears cascade down my face as I think about what that excitement was like; a new country, people so excited to see and receive whatever we had to offer.  I knew what my job was and it was important and needed; I was wanted, I knew what I was doing was making a difference somehow, I felt alive and known and surrounded by a community where friendship was instantaneous and finding your tribe was a pretty straightforward process. 

And here on the far side of the sea, the excitement of moving and newness has peaked and this thing I’ve looked forward to for months and months is over and reality is setting in hard and cold and fast and I feel unknown, unwanted, frustrated, and lonely.

I know, I know. These things take time.  I get it.  I’ve only been here a few weeks and I can’t expect to have a well-rounded life set up already.  But things do happen that quickly on the Africa Mercy and they did happen that quickly in the Peace Corps and looking back further and further, the last (and only other) time I was in this place was right after I graduated college and packed up and moved to Seattle; fifteen years ago… yeah that was hard too. I cried a lot.  And when I finally did find my tribe it was a glorious thing. But it wasn’t easy.

So I’m not surprised to find myself in the valley, just wish it wasn’t this way.  I’m excited about the potential my job has, hoping soon I feel wanted and needed and valued and a part of something bigger than myself again.  I’m such an idealist, I just want to know I’m making the world a better place somehow.  I’m digging deep in the wells of courage and joining ultimate Frisbee games and visiting churches and group bike rides and running up a million seats at Harvard stadium with three hundred others and saying yes to as many opportunities as possible while still being gentle to my introvert heart that is exhausted by those things and would much rather curl up in my bed with a good book. 

Ultimately, the tears cease and my heart is content when I dwell on the fact that I know with all of my being that this is exactly where I am supposed to be; there’s nothing in me that actually wants to be on the ship right now, I just miss some aspects of that life.  I’m fighting to keep my heart fully present here, not longing for any other place or life or experience.  I have a list going of things I love about this life now; top of the list is having a Trader Joe’s right down the street and a kitchen at my disposal. I never enjoyed cooking in the past but I’m loving it now! I know I’ll find my tribe and I’ll figure out how I fit in at work and I’ll make some friends and feel once again like I’m doing something worth doing… I just need to make it through this space, in the meantime; keeping my heart here and present and engaged in the reality of this life to the full.

To the Africa Mercy crew – God’s richest blessings poured out over you as you give of yourselves to help the least of these; it’s such an incredible thing you get to be a part of. 

To myself others who can relate to the floundering in the valley – Stay engaged in the here-and-now. It will be worth it.

To my future yet-to-be-discovered tribe here in the Boston area – I’m here, I’m all in, and I will find you. 

Until next time…

on a beautiful hike in France last month (was that just last month???)