Redefining.

It’s been quiet here as I’m navigating the season of transition;  it’s not been easy but it has been worth it; I find myself having to redefine what it means to be… well, me.   

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I’m redefining what valuable means.

I’m a super task-oriented person and am generally at my most comfortable in one of two places: 1) I am at about 105% of capacity, a little stressed, with several balls in the air and responsibility on my shoulders; in this scenario, I’m decisive, confident, calm, and super productive. Or 2) I’m on vacation and completely unplugged.

So when I started my new job about six weeks ago, I expected to start off running from day one; with a task list that I would accomplish faster and better than anyone expected, proving my value and inviting more trust and responsibility and input and all those things that add up to being a valuable member of the team. 

And instead of running from day one I have felt like I’ve been wandering around looking for the starting line.   It’s brought out the worst in me; panic and striving and anxiety and desperation, trying to prove my value in an environment that, as it turns out isn’t actually looking for it.   That’s just me.  What I need to do? Sit back, read, learn, watch, observe, and stop panicking about not being productive and proving my value by checking off a to-do list.  Value is not actually defined by productivity.

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I’m redefining what selfish means.

I’ve had this nagging thought in the back of my head for weeks; this accusation of values that just won’t stop.  It’s a belief that a life not dedicated to service is a selfish life. 

Transitioning from an existence that is almost entirely altruistic; volunteering my time and then in my spare time volunteering somewhere else is an incredible lifestyle that I loved.  And so to find myself living in Boston with a salary and a neverending shopping list and a weekly schedule that is filled with events that are all about me, about finding my tribe and trying to find happy and all I can think is what a selfish person I’ve become. 

But actually, that’s also not fair, and there’s a time and a season for everything, and altruism and service are not actually about the events or actions you’re doing but the life you are leading.    I can lead an altruistic life while still collecting a salary, I can offer my time where it is needed/wanted in this season; and actually, finding my tribe is important, too. This is something I’m still wrestling with, what does it look like, how do I do this, how do I find the balance; and the still, small voice gently reminds me that a truly selfish person wouldn’t be asking the question. Selah.

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I’m redefining what self-control means.

Time-management and money-management looks really different for me on this side of the sea. Suddenly I’m realizing how much time goes into maintaining life that I never had to consider on the ship; things like grocery shopping, cooking and preparing food, cleaning up after said cooking and preparing, commuting (100 steps from bed to desk on the ship; 20-30-minute commute each direction here), making plans with friends ahead of time instead of walking down the hall and finding someone… I’m also realizing how much money goes into maintaining that life that I never really considered before.  Sticker shock is in full effect; it’s expensive to live and eat and be social in Boston, and I’m what most people would generally call frugal.

And so after the first week I decided I just need to get it under control and I created time management plans and budget plans and because I don’t do anything at less than 100% I also decided I would enforce these things to the letter starting on that first day.  I scheduled out every minute and budgeted out every dollar and was so proud of my self-control and discipline and was excited to see my own massive productivity increase and personal finances blossom… and then reality and humanity struck, and just a few days in I was wallowing in a puddle of misery: I had failed.

But geez, it’s all new and self-control doesn’t actually mean get it right on the first try and it also doesn’t mean if you don’t stick to this (incredibly restrictive, controlling, and unrealistic) plan on the very first try (when you really have no idea how long things actually take or how much things actually cost) you’re a failure as a human.  I don’t want to go the other direction by throwing out all time and money management plans, because those things are important; but too much control is not self-control, it’s just setting yourself up for failure.  I’m figuring out what it looks like to be gracious to myself, these things are lifestyle changes not intended to be perfect from day one.  Self-control means asking the questions and trusting the process and offering grace and doing the next right thing, whatever that is.

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Patience and grace are the words of the season.  Patience with myself, mostly; I have incredibly high expectations of myself and just want to be through the difficulty of discovery and have my work and social life and service life and financial life all figured out already.  It’s not. But I’m on the right path and I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing. 

Until next time…