Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The Becoming.

This month has found me travelling more than any other, between vacation, running courses, meetings and other things going on I have lived out of a backpack for nearly a month and have had quite a good time doing it!  It reminds me how much I love the part of my job that is pioneering; creating, dreaming, and building things that no one has ever done before. It’s such a privilege that I get to be a part of this!

Yesterday morning, first thing Monday, I needed to get to the local hospital to sort out a problem… which (side note) is actually what my job title should be – problem solver.  On the way to the hospital I needed to stop and get fuel for the vehicle I was driving.  I got to the fuel station, and sorry, you can’t get fuel, it’s all gone.  Okay.  So I continued on to the hospital where I was to have a meeting, and after waiting awhile, came to find out sorry, you can’t have a meeting, he is gone.  Okay.  So then I continued on to the airport where I was supposed to pick up two colleagues from their time abroad and bring them back to the ship.  The arrival time of the flight came and went, with no sign of the plane… And all I could think was, man, 0 for 3… if they don’t actually show, I might as well just go to bed and try again tomorrow! 

Thankfully they did arrive and after settling them back in our floating home I headed back to the hospital to wait a bit longer for a meeting.  Mornings like that can be frustrating – it feels like I haven’t really actually done anything.  Other days, days that aren’t spent in a whole lot of waiting, when I can hardly breathe between one thing and another, can still end with me wondering “what did I actually do today?”

Something that I have realized lately, in my waiting and in my busy and in my wondering what did I actually accomplish today, is that somehow I have come to believe my worth is found in the capacity of my productivity. The value of me is actually the summation of everything I accomplished.  So when it feels like I don’t accomplish much, I feel rather like I haven’t earned my space on the ship or in the universe.

But I know that’s not true, I know that what I can do doesn’t change who I am and what I bring to the ship or to the universe.  So I keep telling myself that.  And I keep showing up every day, trying to do a good thing and help a few people and shine light into dark places and letting myself be seen.  It’s an incredible journey and I’m grateful for the friends along the way who encourage me to continue in the becoming.  

The becoming of me, the becoming of someone who finds joy in the waiting, who can stand tall and know her worth regardless of the checks on the to-do list or the emails answered or the lives transformed.  Those are all great things, but they should not ever diminish the greatest thing – that is the journey, that is life to the full; that is the experience and the joy and the value of breathing, and being, and becoming.

The Glory of God is (a wo)man fully alive. –St. Irenaeus

Sunset in Toamasina, 25 January 2016

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