I’ve been sitting on this blog post for a week; ten days, actually, since the first words appeared on my screen and the big ball dropped in New York and I went to bed long before midnight. I feel like I should write a big fat HAPPY NEW YEAR and a subsequent post about how great it is going to be and how happy the world is and I am and I wish sunshine and confetti and big chocolate teddy bears to everyone.
But what I want to experience this year? Not happiness… It’s joy I want, it’s joy I am looking for and fighting for and longing for this new year. There is a depth to joy that cannot be touched with happy… happiness is actually a cheap imitation of joy and it is fleeting. One phone call, one wrong look, one email and happiness is gone – but joy, to the depths, that cannot be shaken? Regardless of circumstance? That’s what I want.
In 2014 I visited several new countries, rose to the challenge of my new job, made new friends and deepened friendships with others, tasted my first Crunchie bar (how do we not have these in America??) and spent the last day of the year on a tropical island paradise. I also watched helplessly as Ebola ravaged the people and the places I love in West Africa, I said ‘see you in eternity’ to a few dear friends, and battled insecurities and loneliness more than I ever have before. The constant through all of this? it certainly wasn’t happiness. There isn’t a whole lot of happy in the room when you are grieving deeply. But there is a deep and resounding joy, unshakable, rooted in the knowledge that this is not all there is, and somehow, though I don’t understand it, all of it is for my good.
My Christmas was good and my New Years was enjoyable, but I cried more this year than I ever have and even this last week has been… shall we say… emotionally challenging. Really? There isn’t a whole lot of happy in me at the moment. But there is joy in knowing I am called here to this season and I will continue to fight for freedom and new depths of joy, regardless of circumstance.
I don’t make new years resolutions as I think often times it’s just another opening for the darkness to whisper you have failed. I do, however, think we should always be evaluating and re-evaluating our goals, or hopes, our dreams, the cry of our hearts. Mine this year?... or rather, not just this year but always? Be brave. Speak life. Bring light to the darkness, love and be loved, chase freedom regardless of what stands in the way. Choose and fight for joy, in all circumstances.
May your 2015 be joy-filled and life-giving. Much love to all – Krissy
|Palm tree selfie with two dear friends|
|I used my underwater camera for the first time underwater!|
|Sunrise on 04 Jan, 2015 Ile aux Nattes|