10 September 2013

We joke here sometimes that this place makes you bipolar.  Some days it feels truer than others. Like today.

I ended my weekend feeling awesome about life in general, with the words this is my dream job and I love this community and assorted other comments and thoughts about how grateful I am to God for the blessings and favor he's shown me and the journey that has brought me here.  Read: flying high.

Then... Monday morning... Baby Girl (Click the link to read about what happened and have a kleenex ready....or four)

Then... a series of frustrating encounters that leave me feeling completely inadequate in my job and wondering what was I thinking?

Then... I look at the calendar and realize that tomorrow is September 11. Twelve years seems like a lifetime ago but as I think of it I can still feel the brick behind my back and the cold tile floor as I sat with hundreds of other students in the student center of my university, watching the replay of death and destruction over and over and fearing for my friends who might be drafted into this new war against terror.  With whispers of war in Syria and seemingly unending instability elsewhere, my heart longs for a world at peace.

And I find myself here again, with the the and yets or at the same times battling through my consciousness.

Because in another bed down in the ward sleeps a little two year old boy whose life was nearly gone that God brought to us just in time - now he's laughing and playing and has the opportunity to grow up and become a leader in his nation.  Despair, and yet, joy.

Because at another time in another place I knew what I was thinking, and I know better than to fall prey to the darkness... rather, I rely in the darkness on what I learned in the light and regardless of what it feels like I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  Frustration, and yet, confidence in my calling.

Because I know that creation groans in longing for it's return to peace, and that God brings all things together for good for those who love him.  Because I know that ultimately, light trumps darkness and the good guys win. Desperation, and yet, hope.

At the same time.

And once again I find myself realizing how good it is that I can feel, because that means I am alive. 

So I will not hide my tears, nor will I squash my joys. This is life to the full, and for that, I am grateful.


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