Looking for sunrise.

Someone wrote to me this week and said “ long time no blog… are you depressed? Nothing much to report? Winter blahs?”

And the answer is yes.

 

Occasionally as I’m scrolling through the socials, I’ll come across a promoted article titled “What if all I want is an ordinary life?”.  It’s not a bad article, I glanced through it, more out of curiosity in how it ended up in my feed, but it basically gives women permission not to have big dreams and passions for changing the world, but to embrace the ‘ordinary’ of child-raising and hospitality and other things that may not be impressive on the socials but fulfill the desires of their hearts. 

 

And every time I see this article in my feed I wonder how it ended up there… because never once have I ever asked myself that question.

 

Never once have I desired an ordinary life.

 

The life I’ve created, of travel and adventure and exploring and new things and new people and new places and new languages and cultures and friends; this life, it brings me such joy.  As I’m cruising towards 40, I’ve had a few people ask me how I’m feeling about that, expecting the panic that many women feel about this time in their lives… and my answer is, it’s awesome.  People have a crisis when they examine their lives and it doesn’t look like what they thought it would or should look like.  My life is a million times better than I ever dreamed it could possibly be. 

 

So here we are, five months into lockdown, and everything I love about this life has been taken away.  I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without travelling somewhere or exploring a new place.  The joys of my work, what I love the most, were evacuated five months ago and we’re still wondering how and when a return might be able to happen.  I didn’t have a lot of friends here before covid, as my job is all-consuming, and suddenly many of them evacuated and it’s ‘against the rules’ to see those that remain, and even if we could, what is there to talk about besides my excitement about changing a few light bulbs and sprouting avocado seeds?

 

And then I can’t even believe I have the gall to complain.  How privileged is my life that the hardest thing I’m navigating is a lack of travel and adventure?  I have a steady paycheck, a beautiful house with a full pantry and refrigerator, a dog that worships me and a family that is supportive and encouraging, even from afar.  I have never once worried about whether or not I will eat or whether or not to send my kids into the petri dish that is school or how to pay for medical care if I need it.  My life is an embarrassment of riches.

 

So I haven’t written.  And I’m feeling all the things. 

 

Depression, check.  I know so many people who are desperate for a little solitude after being cooped up with their families for months on end, while I’m over here desperate for human contact and something different to do.  I’ve tried to create some good habits to keep me stable, like running and yoga, but motivation is a challenge.  I laugh when I think about the fact that I was certain that 2020 was going to be my marathon year; I had even registered for the Cape Town Marathon, which of course is cancelled. This thing has shown us all how little control we actually have over anything.

 

Nothing to report, check.  Every day looks the same. My backyard, a walk down the street, the grocery store.  Rinse and repeat.

 

Winter blahs, check.  I’ve become soft after living in equatorial Africa for so many years, the cold winter mornings feel almost painful.  My house was built as a summer house and is lacking things like insulation; I will be sitting on my couch, inside, and feel a cold draft move across my face.  Houses here are built for the 10 months of warmth, not the two months of cold. And most South Africans say this winter has been exceptionally long and cold. 

But, the good news that I’m clinging to these days is the sun will always rise again.  Someday this will be that one thing that happened that one time.  I’m reaching out to friends, I’m risking disappointment and trying the dating apps, I’m looking for good news in the world and in my circle of influence. I’m growing an avocado orchard. I’m making bagels from scratch.  I’m playing with and cuddling my dog a whole lot. I’m trying some new things at work, and letting go of some others.  I’m being kind to myself, or at least making more of an effort to be less despising. I’m no longer saying things like “what is wrong with you” to myself… because nothing is wrong with me… the world itself is just wrong.

These are not small things.  Maybe they are ordinary things.  Maybe this is what is forcing me to find the good in the ordinary life that I never wanted.  I don’t know.

 

But I’ll keep going. Looking for the sunrise.