Lockdown.

The President of South Africa announced on Monday a strict nationwide lockdown starting tonight at midnight, with military enforcement.  This was not surprising nor unwelcome; our (widely under-reported, I assume) infection numbers are growing rapidly and from a public health perspective it’s the right thing to do.

When it was first announced, I felt a huge sense of relief; my work and life in South Africa has been ten of the most stressful months I’ve ever experienced, and while I love it, I’ve been on the edge of total burnout for awhile.  To be able to breathe for a bit is such a gift and to force myself into a simpler life made my introvert heart very happy. At first, they indicated that jogging and dog walking would be fine; it’s a beautiful end-of-summer season here in South Africa, and I have a great setup to work from home, with my Jay to keep me company, 21 days at home and in my neighborhood felt like quite a gift.

And then they took away jogging and dog walking and suddenly I felt the whiplash of lockdown closer resembling a jail cell than a welcome relief. I need exercise for my mental sanity, and my Jay will whine incessantly for a walk he can’t have; I can see both of us falling into that dark, seedy combo of depression and anxiety. 

But it is what it is, and I’m giving myself regular pep talks; I’ll throw a ball for my Jay to chase in my (little) yard and I can walk laps around my house and garden. I’ll do yoga every day and yard work will get me outside, at least on sunny days.  I have a lot of work I’m excited to have the time to really dig into, as long as we don’t have problems with our internet provision.  I constantly find myself wavering between positivity and negativity, anxiety and hope, with that nervous pit in my stomach a constant companion.  If I let myself open it up, I get all the what-if questions: what if I should have evacuated? What if all hell breaks loose? What if I get sick? What if my family gets sick and I’m a million miles away? What if this thing gets much, much worse?  What if lockdown lasts for months?  So much unknown, so much uncertainty, so far from home.

But I do want this time to be fruitful and beneficial; so I’m making a plan that includes meditation and yard work and cooking and working and relaxing and reading and thinking about how, when this is all over, I’ll take a beach vacation and hopefully set up a life that isn’t quite so stressful on the daily. I also want to set up some video calls with friends and family; even if I haven’t talked with you in ages, if that’s something you’d like, please do contact me!

Today I went on one last lovely hike with my Jay, enjoying the fresh air and exercise and the soul-filling beauty of nature.  I just sat by the creek, listening to the waterfall, breathing in as much peace as my lungs could hold, pressing down the fear, the anxiety, the doubt, the questions, holding them at bay for as long as possible.  And now we do the next right thing, for as long as we need to; breathing in and out, sunrise and sunset, holding on to hope that this b-grade low budget sci-fi movie we find ourselves living in has a wonderfully anticlimactic ending sooner rather than later.