Once I finally got back to my apartment this afternoon, I was totally spent.
I had just come from a Rotary club meeting in the center of the city; an area of chaos I’d not yet driven that, to be honest, really intimidated me, due to the narrow, congested streets and lack of rules, enforcement, and recognized parking spaces. The meeting was great but as any other introvert will attest to, two hours of meeting new people and small talk is incredibly draining. I was proud of my city driving; safe, yet just aggressive enough to be taken seriously, buoyed by the comments from my staff yesterday of “you drive like a man” or “you’re a truly African driver.”
Two phone calls had come to me earlier in the day; harrowing stories of children in crisis from expats who had somehow gotten my name and thought I could do something to help. As it turns out I’ve managed to make friends in high places and actually did have a few helpful actions up my sleeve; after only a month here on the ground I was amazed at what I could actually accomplish in a relatively short period of time. But nothing is ever easy or straightforward here, and everything takes longer than we hope it will; these little ones are on my mind tonight and will be all weekend until we are able to get them into less tenuous, healthy places to live and grow and flourish.
By nature I’m not a bleeding heart; I can really detach myself from most of the emotionality of my field of work, which is a tremendous blessing that I’m incredibly grateful for. If I had children or even longed for them, I don’t think I could handle the stories I hear, get the information I need, and relay it to the appropriate authorities with the almost-but-not-quite-completely detached efficiency required.
But it does take a toll; the day was not quite over and all I could do was lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. The heat doesn’t help; by mid-to late-afternoon the wheels often come off and my productivity takes a nosedive. Rainy season is upon us and there are fewer and fewer sunny days to be found, but today was one of them, with the blue sky beckoning out my window. I thought about how wonderful it would be to sip a fruity drink at my current favorite beach café, with a book in hand until darkness fell. The rational, party-pooper side of me thought about the cost, about getting back in the car and facing the evening traffic, about sitting alone, and almost talked me out of it. But then the fun-loving day-grabbing joyful part of me said Krissy, you live within blocks of an amazing beach restaurant, where you’re guaranteed to enjoy a sunset, palm trees, sand, good food and service, on this one sunny day in the midst of what could be a dozen rainy days. Why on earth would you say no to that??? GO!
So I did. And it was wonderful, just as expected, and definitely worth the cost and commuter traffic to get there. I did think I could go sometime later this weekend… but what if it rained the entire weekend? Why would I say noto such an enjoyable and potentially beneficial evening based on what may or may not happen in the future?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, with regards to my life. I’m not a complete free-spirit; I don’t think the common millennial term YOLO (you only live once) is a suitably wise answer to life’s big questions and decisions to be made. However, I do feel much of my generation and those before me focus too much on the future and not enough on the now, missing out on the gift that today has for them in pursuit of the happiness a certain dream fulfilled is certain to bring them… only it’s not. Someone said on a podcast recently that you’ll never fulfill the expectations others have for your life;there’s always something more to achieve that somehow has promised us that fulfillment we’re all longing for… the college degree, the significant other, the engagement, the marriage, the child, the job or career, the big house, the club membership, kids in the right schools, kid’s successes as adults, grandchildren, retirement… and suddenly you’re looking back on a life of longing for that fleeting feeling of happy, contented wholeness.
Sometimes I think similar thoughts about religion; so many faithful in the world spend far too much time focused on death and not enough on life. This might get me labeled as a heretic, but the Jesus I know about said He came that we might experience abundant life here on earth, not just a triumph over death, and I don’t know about you but I want to experience that abundant life, life to the full, every single day I’m gifted the opportunity.
So yes, I’m going to drink fruity drinks at the beach when it feels like that’s the next right thing in the pursuit of life to the full. I’m going to take every opportunity to see the world, to love others, to hold on to those I love, to fight for the children in crisis that come across my path, to make the world a little bit better today and whenever I leave it than it was when I came in to it. If I found out right now I have a year to live or ten or fifty, I wouldn’t change a thing. And if it rains tomorrow, I’ll have no regrets about how I spent today.
xxk
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