A change of direction. (Alternate title: The breakup)

It’s been quiet here on the blog… for one big reason.

I’ve been kind of miserable in my job.

And so we broke up, Harvard and I.  

It very much feels like a breakup is the best way to explain what happened, so I’ll keep with that analogy.  

I’d heard so much about him, and everyone knew him, and thought we’d be a perfect couple.  On our first date, I went home and cried afterward.  But everyone, including myself, thought we could make it work based on who he is, and the direction we were going, and I really tried to make it work.  I was continually instigating define-the-relationship talks.  I should have realized it wouldn’t last when every single talk was instigated by me. But I held on and we had a few really, really happy wonderful moments.  Moments that took my breath away and inspired hope that the future would in fact be bright.  I had hoped and assumed that those moments would become more common, once we learned more about each other’s quirks and likes and dislikes and approach to work and life and how we affect those around us. 

But ultimately, as much as we can hope for the other person to change, and want to stick with them because we believe they can change, there’s some fundamental pieces of ourselves that will never change. And shouldn’t change. 

And it turned out that the person I am and the person I needed to become to make this work were incompatible.  And I’m not willing to lose myself, my integrity, my fire, my passion, for anyone or anything. 

It stings a little, as any breakup does, even when you know it’s exactly what is right and good and even feels like a huge sigh of relief, there’s a little grief in saying goodbye the life I had imagined we might have together.  It ended a bit unfairly, but no one said life is fair, and I also recognize I see only one piece of the story. 

So I don’t know what’s next.  But I do know a lot of things:

I know this wasn’t a mistake. I learned a whole lot in this last three months and I’m really grateful. I’m glad we both had the courage to try something new, and I know that not everything has to work out to have been a success.

I know I don’t have a single regret, and I’m so grateful to be able to say that.

I know better is coming.  I know there’s someone/thing out there that won’t make me cry at night and will bring out the best in me and not expect me to be someone I’m not.

I know there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with me.  I know there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with him. It just wasn’t a good match.  And that’s enough of an explanation.  If you want more dirt, well, mind your own business.  I’m looking ahead, not behind.  And there’s no sides, either, so don’t bother picking one.

I know I’m going to take a few months off, the time I probably should have taken when I first left the ship but didn’t… I’m going to finish my thesis, give it the time it deserves (and it’s been sorely abandoned in the corner these last few months).  I’m going to explore the special places in the Boston area that I haven’t made it to yet.  I’m going to visit family.  I’m going to put out some feelers for jobs, but not rush into anything.  I’m going to write. I’m going to breathe and meditate and pray and go to the gym and eat well and speak life and put one foot in front of the other while clinging to the hand of the One who created both the feet and the path and the universe and the passion and fire within my soul. 

I’m truly grateful to everyone who has been a part of this journey.  I’m really excited to see what adventure is next.

Greater things are yet to come.

P.s. for those of you who know some of the people I work with – all is well.  True friendships endure, something for which I’m deeply grateful.

The sunrise over Boston this morning... breathtaking.