The coming weeks.

Here's my schedule for the coming weeks:

Tomorrow I get in a car for a four-day road trip to the interior of Madagascar to follow-up with Peace Corps Volunteers who did the HBB training.

I get back on Saturday night and then head out Tuesday morning to fly to Fianarantsoa and for two more days of HBB follow-up.

I will fly from Fianarantsoa to Antananarivo, where I will meet up with Michelle and we will both fly the next day to Mahajanga where we will follow-up Checklist training.

We will both then return to the ship on Friday evening, unpack and repack, and then travel back to Antananarivo on Sunday.  After a quick overnight, we leave together to fly to Johannesburg, South Africa where we will get the necessary visas to go to the Republic of Congo.

Thursday, visas in hand, we will fly from Johannesburg to Pointe Noire, where the ship was docked for the last field service, 2013-2014.  We will spend time in three cities over two weeks in Congo, every day packed full with supplementary training, follow-up, and visits - trying to determine if what we did there in pioneering our Healthcare Education program actually left an impact. 

After two weeks in Congo, Michelle and I head to Berlin where she speaks at a conference and I will be madly writing reports for the end of the Madagascar field service as well as the Congo trip.  We will also explore a bit and hopefully have a few hours to breathe after a full on, non-stop several months.  Then I have a brief layover in London where I bid Michelle goodbye for a few months and then head through Madrid on my way to the Mercy Ships International Operations Center in Lindale, Texas, where I will spend a few weeks working from dry land while the ship makes its way to Durban, South Africa for the annual shipyard maintenance period.  It's been three years since I have been there, so it will be a great time to reconnect with team members and friends from that side of the pond.  Then, finally, I will head to Minnesota, to Seattle, to Colorado, and to various other yet-to-be-determined locations before eventually making my way back to Madagascar to begin the second field service in Toamasina.

Phew. 

It's a strange end to the field service - I've sailed away from Sierra Leone, Guinea, and Congo field services onboard and this time of year is usually one of sadness tinged with hope and a season full of goodbyes.  This year I'm leaving long before the ship does and when I return the ship will be in the same place I left it; almost as if nothing has happened. 

One of the joys of ship life though is not only am I trying to get massive amounts of work done and papers ready and supplies packed for the next several trips but my home will be sailing... twice... in the time I am gone, so I have to secure everything for 20 degree rolls in the open sea, find people willing to care for my plants, and toss any food that will expire while I am away.

I had a moment today when I actually stopped and thought, "I live on a ship.  How weird!" Yes, three years in and those moments still happen.  I love what I get to be a part of and I hope to be able to post updates from time to time; but at the same time don't be surprised if you don't hear from me either! 

Thanks for your support and encouragement!!  --Krissy

To the table.

It’s a beautiful moment when somebody wakes up to this reality, when they realize God created them so other people could enjoy them, not just endure them.  ~Donald Miller, Scary Close

 ~~

Awhile back I was hosting a team and we were all planning to go out for dinner. I was feeling lethargic, uninspired, burdened, tired, and all around uninterested in going to a restaurant with a dozen or so other people. I couldn’t possibly expend the energy required to put on shoes and face a crowd.  I blamed it on being tired; I blamed it on my introverted personality; on a long week, on too many people, on whatever else I could say to convince myself it really was okay for me to skip dinner.

 

Then a dear friend saw beneath the surface, and spoke the truth.  A truth I didn’t even realize was truth until she said it. I think you are doubting that you are wanted.

 

She left the room and I dropped to my knees, the truth of her words burrowing deep and conviction confirming that which she somehow knew to be true. I had made an agreement with a fallacy; somewhere along the line I had become convinced that I was simply a burden, an irritant, a nuisance.  Who was I to join a bunch of doctors for dinner? I wouldn’t offer anything worth saying, I couldn’t possibly think that I would actually be welcomed into that crowd, I would probably just make a fool of myself and say something stupid anyway.  I didn’t have anything to bring to the table. So why go?

 

Recognition is key. Recognition is freedom. Recognition meant I could intentionally pursue truth and life to the full and put on some shoes and go out to dinner, regardless of how it felt or what I heard or what I believed.

 

The end of that story is that dinner was beautiful; the conversation rich and the blessings flowing from me to them and back to me again. The end of my story is yet unknown; with the greater questioning lingering in desire - a desire to know that I have something to bring to the table, regardless of the size of the table or the venue or the company surrounding it, but how do you walk in that without crossing over the hazy gray line into arrogance and pride?

 

As I wrestle with that question the words of a dear friend come back to me; his response as I asked this very same question several years ago. The very fact that you are asking the question indicates you won’t cross the line.  A truly arrogant person wouldn’t even ask the question.

 

~~

In the book referenced earlier, Scary Close, Donald Miller also talks about one of the things he loves the most about his then girlfriend/now wife:

 

She truly knows she is good for people.  It’s not arrogance, nobody who knows Betsy would think of her as prideful.  Yet she knows that when she gets close to somebody she will likely make their life better.

 

Sigh.  I want that.  I want to know to the depths that because I speak and breathe life and God is in me that just by coming to the table people will see Him.  

 

I’ve mentioned this to a few friends in recent days, and they all say the same thing.  And I think, what? You? You think that too??  You are amazing! You have SO MUCH to bring to the table! How can you not see that???

 

And they say the same about me.  But neither of us know it in ourselves, both of us cringe at the thought of facing that table of strangers but both of us longing to know with conviction that who we are and who we carry in us will, and does, and delights, in affecting those around us… for good.

 

~~
 

As I watch the cursor blink for a few minutes and wonder what words will come next, a flicker of a story drifts through my consciousness.  I believe, help my unbelief.  Someone said that to Jesus once; I find myself saying it again today.  I want to know and believe, to the center of my soul, that I have something to bring to the table; I want my friends to believe it; I want us all to believe it. 

 

Because you know what? You do.

You have life to offer and so do I and there’s something about courage and something about being brave enough to step out in faith and something about trusting that when all rolled up and lifted up leads to that place my heart longs to go… to the table, to blessing and being blessed, to being enjoyed not just endured, to resting in the beauty of relationship and a shared meal or a shared heart and a shared pursuit of life to the full.  

 

 

Dreams to Reality.

I’m back in my ship home after ten days up in Antananarivo; the days have been full and challenging yet fruitful, with strategic meetings about medical training programs for the next field service in Madagascar mixed in with running current healthcare education programs and trying to measure the impact of what we have done.

It’s exciting work – there was a moment this week when I came alive in a way I haven’t ever before. After three days of teaching pediatric anesthesia we took a day to invite the previous participants from the obstetric anesthesia course we held back in December to return and tell us how the course impacted them; their personal practice as well as their hospital and teamwork.  If I’m really honest I wasn’t expecting much; I mean, I hoped all our blood, sweat, and tears over the last two years of moving this medical training program from dreams to reality actually has left an impact but it’s hard to really know for sure.  Well, I had the opportunity to ask those questions, and the answer was a resounding YES, your training has affected me, my practice, my hospital and my patients. 

Incredible.

One anesthesia nurse who attended learned newborn resuscitation for the first time, and then everyone in his hospital saw that the babies he was delivering were all healthy, so they asked him to train them, too.  He did.  Now everyone there knows how to resuscitate a baby well and according to him, in the last three months at least a dozen or so babies that would have died are now alive.

Another anesthetist explained how the course taught her she needed to have a backup plan ready when putting a patient under anesthesia, in case plan A didn’t work.  When I asked her what she would have done in the past, she explained that if plan A failed everyone would be yelling at each other and trying to find the equipment and supplies for plan B while the patient was deteriorating on the table.  Now she has everything she needs, and a plan in place, and she is calm and ready to handle the issues.  She told me that others in her hospital saw how she did this, and how much better it was for her and for the patient, and asked her to teach them, too.  So she did. 

So many of the people we talked to said the most important thing they learned was to ask for help.  “I believed I had to do it on my own” is the common working environment here, and the freedom and encouragement to ask someone else to help them has left a huge impact not only on them as individual practitioners but also on their hospitals and colleagues; several comments were made about how now people in their teams communicate better, people know what they will do and what needs to be done, and the stress of saving a life is now a team effort, not balanced on the shoulders of one person who feels out of their league and overwhelmed with the expectations.  

They learned how to systematically evaluate and stabilize a patient; they learned how to respond to life threatening conditions with accuracy and confidence; they learned how to use specific tools in a better way and they learned how to communicate with others more effectively.  They didn't only just learn these things, though - they applied them, saved lives, and taught others how to do the same.  I could barely contain the tears as these stories flowed out of their mouths and I hastily scrawled what I could on my paper questionnaire; with French and English and excitement and joy all melding together into chicken scratch that is pure gold. What we do here really does make a difference.   

Somehow in the coming months this will all be written up into reports and papers and press releases; we find ourselves pioneering once again as we try to figure out how to measure success, and then to get their stories out into the hands of people of influence and favor and means and the courage to try and do something about it. I can’t even believe I get to be a part of this; I’m honored and grateful and humbled and excited to see where the coming weeks and conversations and travels and meetings bring us in the journey of making even more dreams into reality.  It was once just a dream that a hospital ship could bring hope and healing to the forgotten poor.  That dream became reality.  It was once just a dream that it could also bring world class medical training opportunities to those who are most in need.  That dream has become reality, too. It is still a dream that it could be a catalyst for transformation of an entire national health system.  That dream can become a reality.

Let’s do it.

Our SAFE faculty - from England, Canada, USA, Belgium, Ireland, and Kenya. What a privilege to partner with these incredible people to bring dreams into reality.  (Photo courtesy of Steph B)

 

Transformation: Safe Anesthesia

Anesthesia [an-uh s-thee-zhuh] n. --General or local insensibility, as to pain and other sensation, induced by certain interventions or drugs to permit the performance of surgery or other painful procedures.

I don't think anyone would disagree that anesthesia is pretty important in surgery.  Yes, they put the patient to 'sleep' so they don't feel the pain of surgery, but they do much more than that. While the surgeon is focused on fixing the problem; removing the tumor, repairing the defect, or releasing the contracted skin, the anesthetist is keeping them alive  - making sure the patient keeps breathing and the heart keeps beating and the blood keeps flowing, adding more when necessary.  They also handle critical events during the surgery - if suddenly the blood pressure drops, or the patient has an allergic reaction to something they were given, or various other life-threatening situations, along with the important job of making sure the patient wakes up!  (medical friends, please forgive the simplistic description!)

But what if you were an anesthetist who knew you had to handle some of these critical events, but didn't have the skills or materials to do so?  What if you knew you would be okay if you had an adult patient, but a child appeared on your operating table?  Anesthesia is consistently one of the top requests for training in the countries I have served with Mercy Ships, and continuing anesthesia training is often unavailable in these areas.  So we have partnered with the Association of Anesthetists of Great Britain and Ireland to offer two SAFE Anesthesia courses - SAFE stands for Safer Anesthesia From Education - and we offer SAFE Obstetric Anesthesia and SAFE Pediatric Anesthesia.

SAFE Obstetric Anesthesia was held in Antananarivo back in December, and I meant to write about it then but never did! We taught basic anesthesia skills and critical care for pregnant women and newborns.  The participants were so excited to have the opportunity to learn new skills and refresh their abilities using our teaching materials and manikins, and we received great feedback on the course.  We will be inviting some of those participants back this week for some supplementary training and to see if they have been able to apply what we taught back in December!

SAFE Pediatric Anesthesia is this next week so I find myself now back in Antananarivo, excited to welcome the facilitators for this course who are coming in from the US, Canada, England, and Kenya!  It's such a privilege to come alongside the anesthesia providers of Madagascar, offering them hands-on workshop teaching where they can practice what they are learning and hopefully improve the care they are able to offer to Madagascar's littlest patients. 

Preparing for the course - a table full of anesthesia equipment!  A few years ago I wouldn't have had any idea what any of this is... now I can name almost all of it, and most of it in two languages!

Worth the Risk.

"Something in me believes that when the story of earth is told, all that will be remembered is the truth we exchanged. The vulnerable moments. The terrifying risk of love and the care we took to cultivate it. And all the rest, the distracting noises of insecurity and the flattery and the flashbulbs will flicker out like a turned-off television."  Donald Miller, Scary Close

~~ 

Heart-to-heart: [hahrt-tuh-hahrt]

     1. [adj]  frank; sincere: We had a heart-to-heart talk about his poor attendance.

     2. [n]  Informal; a frank talk, especially between two persons.

~~ 

I looked up this phrase and was so disappointed with the definition.  Frustrated, even, that the human race has degraded something as beautiful as heart-to-heart connection to something frank, and informal.  How pathetically inaccurate that we have reduced a connection of the heart (which is the wellspring of life, the center of all we are and have created to be, the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit and the central reservoir of all things glorious) to talk about something like attendance.

Can I tell you what a true heart-to-heart is?   

It's one of those conversations that you feel an ache deep inside at the thought that it will soon end. 

It's when you've opened up not just your mouth to state that which is obvious, as we do in every interaction; but you have opened up your heart to show that which is unseen, and often ignored, but is in fact vital to the experience of joy, of friendship, of love and truth and trust and life to the full.   

It's one of those interactions that somehow leave you full to overflowing and yet hungry for more; more time with them, more of whatever that was that we shared because it was so beautiful and just felt so right.  

I've had the privilege and the honor and the abundant blessing to have four or five such interactions in recent weeks.  All completely different people, in different situations and places and subjects and settings but each of them left me aching for more and yet utterly filled up; they left me hugely thankful but also wondering... what was that? and how do I get more of that?

That, my friends, was a heart-to-heart.  A true mingling of love and life and truth and trust and vulnerability and that is actually what we are made for.

 

~~

Vulnerability leads to intimacy. And we are created for intimacy. This is not a scary word, this is for everyone.  We’ve degraded the word intimacy like we’ve degraded the words heart-to-heart to mean something entirely less than what it truly means. Intimacy doesn’t just mean “what married couples do behind closed doors”, (quoted from a teenager friend), it is:

Intimacy: [n] [in-tuh-muh-see]  A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

Sigh. Do you feel the longing in you? For that? I think if we are truly honest, that’s what we all long for. It’s what we were created for, in reflection of the perfect relationship within the trinity – Father, Son, Holy Spirit.  Perfect intimacy.

But you have to be willing to be real.  You have to be willing to get emotionally and metaphorically naked and hope they don’t laugh at you or run away screaming.  And that, my friends, can be terrifying. 

~~

The risk of being known is also the decision to be criticized by some... but if we live behind a mask we can impress but we can’t connect.* 

Those conversations I talked about earlier, the ones that left me longing for more yet full to the brim… that feeling? That feeling of being known and yet still loved and delighted in and encouraged and utterly not alone? That’s worth the risk.  Those people aren’t impressed by me. Goodness knows I’ve tried to impress plenty of people in my day and yes, it does give a temporary high.  But those people know that beyond the face and the voice and the words that impress there is plenty of pain and gunk and ugly words and thoughts and actions and stories. And they still want to be with me. And they say things like thank you for helping me to know that I am not alone. 

Yes the risk is there… that belief or reality that if anyone really knew what was inside of us they would leave us.  But as someone quite wise pointed out to me just yesterday when I was discussing this very real possibility in one of my friendships, she said if someone chooses to abandon you because you are pursuing truth and honestly and life to the full… say thank you, and let them go.  Those aren’t the true friends you really want.  The true friends you really want to be doing this with? They will love you through it.

~~ 

Sometimes the story we're telling the world isn't half as endearing as the one that lives in us.*

I’m a good storyteller. People tell me often that I’m a good communicator or a good writer. I know it’s true (in my strong moments… not so much in my insecure moments… but by His grace those are getting few and far between…and thanks for telling me, really).  I know it’s a gift from God and I’m absolutely desperate to use it for His glory and His glory alone. I used to tell a lot of made-up stories just to impress people.  And that felt good for a minute but then after a while it left me feeling awful.

 

Now I tell real stories to connect with people.  And that’s a whole lot better.

 

*quotes from Scary Close by Donald Miller.  One of those books I was sad to finish.

Dead man.

Earlier this year, a man trembled up our gangway in desperate need of medical attention. The hardworking volunteer crew onboard the Africa Mercy went straight to work to help him – and it didn’t take long to realize that Sambany was changing our lives while we were changing his.

 

 

 

 

Read the rest of the story and watch the video narrated by Sambany himself here: www.mercyships.org/sambany

Unconditional Acceptance.

I have some exciting news!

This letter came this week:

Dear Kristin,

Congratulations!  We are delighted to confirm your unconditional acceptance to the Masters of Public Health programme with the University of Liverpool.

Cheers! 

First of all if you are American you might be thinking two things: Is that really a place and don't they know how to spell 'program'? 

Yes it's a city in England where the first US Consul in history was appointed to and the city where the Titanic was registered.  Find out more completely random facts here: Wikipedia Liverpool UK.

They also have a really good university that has a great online MPH program. (I'm not leaving Mercy Ships!) And that's how they spell program there.  It's not wrong, it's just different. (wink wink)

Why? I love what I do and I really want to be able to do it better.  The things I will get to study - like epidemiology, qualitative methods in health research, and health promotion, will help me to understand to a greater depth the global issues that affect health and barriers to implementing change, and will help us develop the most effective programs possible to see transformation in the health systems of our host nations.  And I really love learning, especially when I know I can use what I learn in a very practical sense. 

Do you have time? It will be a stretch.  My job takes up a lot of time, however, I don't have to do things here that I would have to do at home, like grocery shop or cook or commute, so finding time in amongst other things, while it isn't easy, it is certainly possible. Other crew members have done it and it takes determination and focus and I will have to give up quite a bit of my personal time. But I am willing. We're trying to maximize my work team and time next year as well and hopefully will be able to find some hours in the week to study!

Can you afford it? Nope, I can't. It's not nearly as expensive as an in-person mph program based in the United States.  (for reference, Johns Hopkins MPH is about $75k)  It is, however, still expensive and as someone who is entirely reliant on donations to survive and keep pursuing my calling with Mercy Ships, this is where I need to ask you for help.  I know that if I am supposed to pursue this that somehow the funding will be made available. I have enough in savings to pay my application and placement fees; after that I'm looking at about $26,000 for the three-year program including fees and books.  

So here is my ask:

1. Would you consider funding a part of my graduate education? This will be on top of my regular Mercy Ships fundraising needs. I plan to pay by the year, so my current need is just under $9k before I start this summer. Tax-deductible donations can be made via my Mercy Ships account and it would help if you sent me an email indicating it's intent so I can keep it separate from other funding.

2. Would you help me to find other funding opportunities? I've not found much as far as scholarships and other help for graduate studies (for a non-minority student... grr), but you are a wealth of knowledge that I do not have, so I am asking if you have a foundation or a trust or a church or some other kind of organization that likes to support education, would you contact me?

Please don't hesitate to email me with questions, or make a comment on this blog post. I'm really excited about this next chapter!! 

 

Happy.

Happy International Day of Happiness!

If you didn't know this was a thing, don't feel bad. Neither did I.  Until I read this: Today story

And I have a few thoughts. (As usual. Smile.)

My first thought: Happiness is a cheap imitation of joy. And it's fleeting.  I've written about this before, here. and here. and probably several other times. I'm kind of a big fan of joy.

However. That doesn't mean I don't love being happy!   And I want happiness!  Who doesn't?  It's just that I want JOY more. and in JOY I can find myself quite happy.  :)

So with that being said, I think the list that Today put out of the ways to be happy is pretty good, actually.  But I'd like to expand on a few of them.

1. Relationships are crucial. Yes and amen. I just had this amazing conversation the other day with some incredible women I am privileged to do life with - and the question was something along the lines of if God is supposed to be enough then where does community fit in.  And the answer is that yes, God can be enough, but it's the fullness of JOY that can be found in relationship.  We aren't meant to do this alone, and true depth of relationship is one of those things that isn't always happy, as true friends really can point out the yuck in us... but in that we can pursue freedom and joy and that is worth every breath and hug and word and prayer.

2. Be around happy people.  Yes and amen.  "If you want to make a sad person happy, start by planting them in a community of optimists." ~Donald Miller.  We are truly a reflection of the people we spend our time with - good or bad.  I've picked up a myriad of non-American phrases simply because I hang out with an international bunch.  When I'm around people who want to pursue more of Jesus with every breath I find myself wanting the same thing. On the flip side, when I hang out with people who complain a lot or are constantly offended, I find the same things coming out of my mouth, or can be guilty of getting offended on their behalf as well.  There are people in my life that spending time with causes me to want to be a better person; reach higher, further, deeper, and more fully into joy.  Who we spend time with is critical.

3. Happiness can be genetically determined.  meh. I tend towards the 'nurture' side versus 'nature' side of psychological development - in short, I think we blame too much on our genetics and don't take enough responsibility for ourselves. However, knowing that there is some basis in genetics is okay - it means we can recognize things in ourselves that we just need to work a little harder to change. This makes 1 and 2 so much more critical.

4. Focus on being Happier rather than Happy.  I don't think we should try to be more happy. or happier. I think we should try to be truly the person God created us to be - because that is the most happy, most beautiful, most joy filled and most powerful person we can be.

5. Money isn't everything, but....  The happiest person I know is the one that is not a slave to money.  Period.  Money isn't bad.  It just controls far too many people.

6. Experiences are better than possessions, but... Hands down, experiences are better than possessions.  If something you possess is actually used for an experience, then great.  Other stuff? just weighs us down and costs a whole lot of money. See number 5.

7. Small things can make you happy. seems to go with 8. Things that will make you happy often don't.  Small things do make me happy. Like a post-it note on my door from a friend. Or an encouraging word. Or when the croissants are still warm when I get to them. Or when just the right song comes on at the right time.  Sometimes I think junk food will make me happy and it just makes me sick. But sometimes just the right bit of chocolate shared with a friend? Pure joy. And I really like the colored staples in my stapler. 

9. Happiness increases with age.  Yes... I am happier now than I once was, but even more important is that I am walking in a level of freedom and a depth of joy that I never realized was possible.  I have found my species, my heart friends (see #1), and come to realize that all these things above are true.  And that naturally does come with age.

10. Know yourself.  I don't have a huge capacity for a giant social network.  I'm not quite rational after 8pm and coffee is a requirement for daily life.  I love good chocolate shared with a friend and running makes me a kinder person to be around.   Knowing these things comes with age (see #9) and embracing them as reality instead of fighting against them is wisdom.  I know I don't have a huge capacity for a large social life, but a more insecure me might try to fight against that and go out and be social all the time, and then wonder why I am a disaster. 

This became a much longer, rambling post than I intended. So if you made it to the bottom, well done friend.  Much love to all --Krissy

Transformation: Primary Trauma Care

This week I have the privilege of hosting the Primary Trauma Care team!

Primary Trauma Care is a system for training the front-line staff in hospital trauma management; aimed at preventing death and disability in seriously injured patients.  It is based on straightforward clinical practice and does not require the physician or practitioner to have access to high-tech equipment or facilities.  This type of training is critically needed here in Madagascar as well as the entire Mercy Ships target region of sub-Saharan Africa, where motor vehicle accidents and other trauma cases are one of the largest causes of death.  Many of these deaths can be prevented with a good working knowledge of the ABC's of trauma response.

A = Airway.  It's necessary to make sure the airway is clear and air is able to pass through into the lungs. We can only last a few minutes without oxygen!

B = Breathing. If the airway is clear then we need to make sure the patient is actually breathing. If they can't breathe on their own, that's when we need to use a bag mask or even mouth-to-mouth.

C = Circulation.  Assessing whether there is adequate blood flow, diagnosis of shock, and stopping major hemorrhage is the next critical step.

D = Disability.  If the patient is breathing and has adequate blood flow, we can move to the secondary neurological assessment (disability)

E = Exposure.  This is where we take a look at the rest of the body and evaluate major injury such as a broken leg.

The course is two full day sessions.  The third day, select participants are invited to return to participate in a train-the-trainer day session, where they learn the basics of running their own course; how to set it up, equipment that is needed, and how to teach the different skills stations and lectures. Then the last two days of the week, today and Friday, are a second course, with our new trainers teaching with assistance from our team as needed.

The participants learn how to insert a chest drain using a goat thorax. 

The participants are eager to learn and the new trainers are great!  It's been such a pleasure working with all of them and our hope is that this type of trauma response training will continue on here in Madagascar long after our departure.

--Krissy

Assorted bits, and the hardest thing.

One of the most common questions I get asked is how long do you think you'll do this?  My usual answer:

I will do this until one of two things happens. 

One, I run out of funding.  I am entirely dependent on the generosity of friends and family and if the funding ever dries up... well, that's it for me.  (so if you want to keep reading a blog about this crazy life I lead, donate by the link to the right.  Otherwise you might have to start reading a blog full of me whining about how corporate America is sucking out my soul.  Not to be dramatic or anything.)

Two, something better comes along.   Now really, can you imagine such a thing? What could possibly be better than exploring new cultures and serving in love and moving to a new country every year without ever even having to pack?? and my community and friends come along with me??  It's awesome.  I love my job and it has turned on a passion in me that I never knew existed.  I say "something better" may come along because I hold my future loosely, and never want to put God in a box by deciding now what my life will look like in three years' time.  Three years ago I would never have guessed I'd be championing safer surgery in Madagascar, but here I am.  Right where I belong.

~~~

Across the harbor there was a ship docked for almost a week called "wisdom lines".  Wouldn't it be awesome if you could just call them up and order a 40foot container full of wisdom whenever you needed it? 

~~~

So I've had this sore thumb/wrist problem for awhile.  Like, a month.  Or maybe two.

Ok, you have to know two things about me as I continue this story: one, I have an extremely high pain tolerance.  and two, I ignore injury.  I'm the girl that will look down on a random day and see a welt the size of a grapefruit on my shin of various shades of red and purple and yellow and say "oh, wonder where that came from".  I can't possibly be bothered to stop what I am doing and give any recognition to any type of pain that might be registering. especially if I am playing a competitive sport (ultimate Frisbee) or on a mission of some kind (trip and fall up the stairs on my way to a meeting).  I'm the girl that lived with a 90% tear of my rotator cuff for six months before seeing a surgeon... who promptly said "what the heck were you thinking?".

So one of my doctor friends told me she thought it might be fractured. and I said nah, whatever.  it's fine.  She said no really.  I said nah, really not.  Then she said if you put it off and you could die.  And I said okay I'll go get xrays. Because of all the ways to go, a wrist fracture would be rather anticlimactic.

So I saw the crew physician and got xrays and it's not fractured but I have other issues and then I got referred down to our incredible physio team which happens to have a hand specialist here right now. 

I don't know for sure, its been a long time since I lived in America and had to pay for medical care. But I'm guessing a visit to the doc, several xrays, and a referral to a hand specialist, where I get braces and exams and exercises and any variety of other lovely healing-type things I need... I'm thinking that is not cheap. Or easy.  And all of this is within about a hundred steps of my cabin or office.  In Madagascar.  Except physio, that's aaaaallll the way down on the dock. Sometimes I get stuck in commuter traffic on my way down the gangway and it might take me all of four minutes.

I am so blessed. And so grateful.

~~~

Someone asked me yesterday what I like to do in my spare time.

I said well, last Tuesday night I decided not to work late and I went to play with the kids in the local hospital pediatric ward.  Then I told him about all the other cool stuff we get to do, like love on babies in an orphanage and show the elderly how to make silly crafts and smile and share the joy of just doing life together.

Then I told him but my most favorite thing is making and serving coffee to the AFM crew on Sunday mornings with my freaking awesome friend Dianna, and I get to meet such amazing people that I wouldn't have the opportunity to know any other way, and the community that gathers and caffeinates together is a special place that I love.

He said, "....so, you're a volunteer... and in your spare time, you volunteer?"

yeah. is that weird? 

~~~

Someone asked what is the hardest thing for you doing what you do?  My answer was a fresh one.

The hardest thing about doing this thing that I do is not being a long way from home, although that is hard. it's not relying on generosity of others, although that too is hard. It's not the lack of freedom, the cultural difficulties, the language barriers, or the lack of familiarity, though those things are hard too. 

The hardest thing is seeing the reality of life here... and not allowing hopelessness to creep in.

I had a Malagasy friend call me yesterday from Tana where he is with his gravely ill father.  He has worked with me and Mercy Ships for several months and knows what good medical care looks like. He knows that a hospital can be a place of hope and healing and not a place of death and disease.  He knows how healing love and joy can be.  And he's in a hospital in Tana where his father is getting none of those things.  His heart wrenching words of "Krissy, they don't care about him here." brought me to tears.  That is what we are trying to change, fighting tooth and nail to break down the barriers and the practices to speak and show life and love and joy to those desperate for it, to bring hope and healing.  And it's phone calls like that that make me wonder how on earth my little band of educators could really make a difference.  It seems so inadequate; a drop in the bucket.  And if I'm not careful, the sinister whisper of darkness can creep in and hiss it isn't worth it. you can't really make a difference.

Crush that slithering voice right out.  It IS worth it.  I do believe it when I say one transformed person can transform a hospital which can transform a nation. It doesn't happen overnight and that's where we come in, persevering and pushing and hoping and praying for the individuals and the masses; not allowing the size of the bucket to deter us from the scientific fact that enough drops will eventually fill it.

And as a friend reminded me yesterday as I fought to contain the tears; any day you go for a run you are lapping the guy sitting on the couch.  At least we are doing something and something can be used a whole lot more by God and by a nation than sitting on the couch eating nachos, watching what is happening but doing nothing.

So I'm gonna keep on doing something and hoping it turns into some kind of great thing - for His glory.