On feelings and flames.

A few days ago I was looking around my home office, the room I have spent most of the last two months in and it’s looking like I’ll probably spend the next six, and wondered why on earth I spend most of my time in a room that gets no sunlight.  I then set off on the task of moving several large pieces of furniture myself, thankfully aided by the smooth tile floor, and a few hours and only one major ding in a wall later I had set up what has quickly become my most favorite room in my house.  It’s light and airy and has a fireplace I hadn’t ever used, and on these chilly winter nights I thought a fire sounded right nice, even if it meant I had to clean out the fireplace afterward. 

And for whatever reason, the last few days have felt transformed.  Somehow evenings spent watching a fire and cuddling my Jay and reading or writing or just thinking are fulfilling in an opposite way to how evenings without a fire left me feeling restless and unproductive.

So this is who we are now, Jay and I. 

And as I stare at the flames consuming the wood and paper and oxygen, I’m grieving and wondering and asking and hoping and raging and speechless. 

To steal a line from a friend: 2020, you ain’t cute.

I know I don’t need to explain why.

And I’m wondering what I should say, or share, or post, or do; then I think, my voice is not the one the world needs right now, and with cases skyrocketing in South Africa the place I belong is here, by the fire.

But I know this for sure – I want to be a better anti-racist.  And my friends of color tell me the first step is just to listen and learn.  So I’m going to do that.  And white friends, I recommend you do the same.  I have big thoughts and feelings and opinions and emotions about all of it but the world does not need another white lady spouting off her opinions into the universe.  So I’m going to keep learning.  And I’m going to vote.  And I’m going to send financial support. And I’m going to stare at the flames, and cuddle my dog, and pray for justice, and love, and mercy, and hope, and peace.